No Need To Panic

Well well well...looks like my little K-Stew is getting some advice from former co-star Jodie Foster.  According to the article in People magazine Jodie told Kristen, "You know, you could learn a thing or two from me".  In my version of reality, this means that she's gonna show her the way out of the closet....and then she's going to introduce her to me.

exhibit a:

This is where Jodie is obviously arguing the merits of just being yourself.

exhibit b:

Kristen sees the wisdom of Jodie's words...which makes Jodie, and me, happy.

exhibit c:

And the most compelling evidence I have...Jodie huddled in a closet (ok, panic room) with Kristen circa 2002.

This either makes me a genius, or completely delusional...either way I was entertained for a good chunk of time when I was supposed to be working.

*hat tip to Peggy for sending me the link to the article

Undeniable Proof That I Have Way Too Much Time On My Hands

Rather than whining about our broken heater and the $2,800.00 it's going to take to fix it, I've decided to answer some questions.  A whole freakin' shitload of questions actually.  Anyone else who wants to answer them should do so...these things amuse me. 


Do you have any nicknames?
bitch (thanks adam), fat ass (thanks sam), psychohosebeast (thanks amy), and slim (thanks holly)

Who will you be sleeping with tonight?
i don't have anyone scheduled. any volunteers?

Do you like to grocery shop?
well, i am a fat ass

Do you do your own laundry?
yes, but only until i win the lottery

Do you watch "The Hills"?
no...are they really alive with the sound of music?

Wearing any bracelets?
always, but i'm short one bracelet...due to my klutziness i broke one of my favorite ones

Last thing you drank?
coffee....caffeine and nicotine is the actual breakfast of champions, just so you know

What were you doing at midnight last night?
sleeping

What was the first thing you did when you woke up?
i enjoy waking up so much that i hit snooze repeatedly just so i can do it several times a day

Are you taller than your mom?
i'm taller than your mom

Do you want to get married and have children one day?
that's not currently on my to-do list...but who knows

Dog or cat person?
normally dogs...but catwoman is pretty hot

Favorite place to shop?
the internet

Ever open a bag of chips in the grocery store and eat them before paying?
oh shit, you're supposed to pay for the food you consume while you're still in the store?!? oops

Do you like being in pictures?
depends on my level of inebriation

Ever been in an ambulance?
considering all the stupid shit i've done in my life i'm pretty shocked that i've never ridden in an ambulance. i do seem to take a ride in the waaaaambulance frequently though

Is your current hair color mostly your natural hair color?
it's actually all my natural color

Do you have trust issues?
yeah, and that's just the start of a long list of my issues

What's the first thing you'll do when you turn 18?
do i get to count backwards now? woohoo

Do you smile often?
when people aren't pissing me off i do

Do you prefer an ocean or pool?
i'd take either...and some warm sunshine right about now

Have your brothers or sisters ever told you that you were adopted?
no, but i'm pretty convinced that i was indeed adopted

Can you imagine yourself living in a cardboard box?
rent would probably be cheaper

Have you ever changed your clothes while in a vehicle?
several times...and trust me, it's not an easy task for tall people

Are you a loud person?
only when i'm yelling

Do you read?
nope, i've just been guessing which questions you're going to ask me. how am i doing so far?

Are you a fast typer?
yes...mostly because i don't usually bother with the shift key and i couldn't really care less if i have typos.  underachievement at it's finest

How old will you be in five years?
approximately 13,565.25 days old

How tall are you?
180.34 cm

What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks?
my report card

What time did you wake up today?
i'm still working on it

What are you wearing right now?
boring work clothes...jeans and a company tshirt

Do you like Christmas songs?
omg no! could we please, please, please get some new christmas songs...the current ones have been seriously overplayed

Do you sleep with or without clothes on?
are you flirting with me?

What do you like about winter?
that it always eventually ends

How many states/provinces have you lived in?
seven...i think

What is your favorite restaurant?
hooters...j/k i've never actually been there. but their new "more than a mouthful" ad campain makes me giggle like a teenage boy

What is your favorite kind of ice cream?
beef tips w/ gravy

What is your favorite kind of soup?
talk...joel cracks me up

How many glasses of water, a day, do you drink on average?
how much water is actually in 12 oz of beer?

Do you know how to play poker?
not really. but that reminds me of a joke...
how do you wake lady gaga up? you poke her face

Have you ever been to Canada?
no, but i have been to a canadian's house.  does that count for anything?

Have you ever gotten stitches?
i'm a klutzy accident waiting to happen...so yes

Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
i guess some people might call them that

Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees?
dip me in honey and throw me to the....oh wait, that wasn't an option

What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
a precise mixture of bbq and hot mustard

Can you change the oil on a car?
yes. and by yes, i really mean no

What is your usual bedtime?
right after i run out of alcohol

Do you dance in the car?
yeah, a friend of mine showed me how to do the electric slide in the backseat last week

What was the last note you scribbled on a piece of paper?
b flat...no, i'm not writing a song, i just need to pick up some new bras

Is it possible that you could be pregnant right now?
they say anything is possible.  but they are wrong.

If the year consisted of only one season, which would you choose?
mrs. dash

Is there a guy that knows everything or mostly everything about you?
adam and munky know all my dirty little secrets

Do you regret dating anyone you dated?
i've made a few (ok a lot) of bad choices in the dating department

When do you go back to school?
monday...wait, no, that's work

If your best friend was kicked out, would your parents let him/her live with you?
omg i'm answering questions written by high schoolers

Would you say you have an organized bedroom?
i wouldn't say that i have an organized anything

When you're at the grocery store do you use the self checkout?
they have mirrors at the grocery store now?

Is your shirt yellow?
no, it's pretty brave

Do you honestly believe that good things come to those who wait?
patience is a virtue...a virtue i don't possess, so i really wouldn't know

Do you date a boy/girl for looks or personality?
a think a good mix of both is fairly important...being rich doesn't hurt either. kidding. sort of

What did you do yesterday?
i rearranged my sock drawer

When was the last time you had a great day?
tomorrow

All Work And No Play?

I've had another super productive day at work. 

I made this:

<---That is an Excel spreadsheet that has all of the TN Lady Vols regular season games...the opponent, where they are playing, time, whether it's televised, score, and their record.  I'm not nutty about all sporting events...but I do love me some Lady Vols basketball...and I get a wee bit out of control....and I wear alot of orange and blue.

I received this:

<---That is a birthday card.  It's not my birthday.  My birthday is in September.  It is still really cute and made me smile.

I did this:

<---That is a binder clip gymnast that I made.  Complete with mat, vault, and the whole landing area.  Yeah, I'm not too down with the gymnastics lingo.  But look at that landing!  My gymnast stuck it.

I did this: 

<--- That is a binder clip cheerleader.  She cheers for the binder clip gymnast.

I also managed to squeeze in some blog reading, went to lunch with some coworkers, and even found time to do some actual work.  And I get paid for this.

I Was Living The High Life....Or Somethin'

Since the "town" I live in has a population of roughly 559 it's not surprising that I get bored...frequently.  It's a good thing that I'm easily amused. 

Friday evening on my home from work I called Adam and asked him if he needed me to stop and pick anything up on my way in.  He wanted new sponges for the kitchen.  Umm, ok...I was beginning to worry that our weekend was going to be less than entertaining for me.  Using my powers of persuasion I convinced him that alcohol would be more fun...actually it really wasn't that difficult to persuade him.  But anyway, when I went into the store I couldn't help but notice that Miller has some 16oz. cans of their High Life variety of beer in freakin' camouflage cans.  Of course I couldn't resist buying them because I just HAD to show someone, and both my camera and phone were left in the car.

I have a question for whoever is in charge of this little project over at Miller.  Ok, so on this very can it says, "The Champagne of Beer".  Who thought it was a good idea to put "the champagne of beer" in a camouflage can?  That just seems like flawed logic to me.  Granted, I did drink one of these and "champagne of beer" is not necessarily the first thing my taste buds were screaming.  You might want a new logo.  Just sayin'

So now I have to wonder...is this strictly a backwoods Texas thing?  Are these camo cans in other states?  And most importantly, did I really move here on purpose?

I like to think outside the bun

So when my Taco Bell Border Sauce packet asked, "Will you marry me?", I seriously considered saying yes.

Sorry, for the truly craptastic photo...the camera on my phone and I do not get along so well.

Rubber Ducky, You're Flippin' HUGE

I ran across this project by Dutch artist Florentijn Hofman...and my jaw dropped.  This cute little humongous ducky has travelled to Japan, Europe, and Brazil...I'm hoping for a stop in the U.S.  I would be willing to make quite a roadtrip to see this...

She flipped me off, I fell in love

So, my drive to work is normally long and boring.  Not so this morning.  I was almost to work, almost there when I encountered one of the most beautiful (and angry) women I think I have ever seen in my entire life.  She obviously found me attractive as well because she REALLY wanted to be in my lane.  It's been quite awhile since my high school physics class and some of the details are a bit fuzzy, but I was under the impression that two objects of relatively equal mass just cannot occupy the same exact same space at the same exact time...stupid me.  [Sorry I didn't pay better attention in class Mrs. F]  Since I'm obviously a little dense, subtle hints such as turn signals really help me out.  Granted, with her perfected manicured nails (well the one I saw when she flipped me off was perfected manicured, I assume the rest were as well) the lever for the turn signal is probably pretty perilous.  *sigh* If only I were psychic I would have known her intention, but I have no supernatural abilities and she was obviously disappointed in me.   When she rolled her window down and proceeded to shout (in quite an angelic voice) a stream of obscenities that would make a sailor blush, I knew she was the one.  Her out of state license plate concerned me, could we really make a long distance relationship work?  Thank goodness we were stopped at a traffic light so this endearing moment could stretch on for a few moments more.  She ended her tirade with, "Where's the southern hospitality you redneck Texan bitch?".  Enchanting, but this was the point in which our passionate romance started to fizzle out. 

Sweetheart, I have the ability to charm the pants right off of you, I have southern hospitality flowing out of my ears.  I could twist you around my little finger so fast it would make your head spin.  But southern hospitality doesn't extend so far as to allow you to drive your car into mine without signaling, I'm almost certain of it.  And darlin' you haven't the slightest clue as to what a redneck is.  I do apologize for not letting you over but honestly I didn't see you, as I tried to tell you while you continued to scream epithets and make obscene finger gestures.

Eventhough we broke-up before the light turned green, I still care about you and your well being.  I know you're someone's daughter or sister or cousin, and there has to be someone at home who loves you and wants you to get to and from your travels safely.  Perhaps starting fights in traffic with random strangers isn't the best way to assure your safe passage. Just a thought.