Monday, September 28, 2009

Birthday Wish

OMG, I have issues...and that's an understatement.  I can't figure out why but I always seem to fall for straight women.  Of course this generally does not end well for me.  Here's an example:

I had been dating this woman for the past couple of months who identified as being straight.  I'm not even joking.  Logic would dictate that she's either a lesbian or bi-sexual or bi-curious at the least...but nope, she says she's straight.  Ok, fine. Who am I to argue?  I'm thinking this really should have been a red flag that our relationship wasn't going to work out.  Did I see the red flag?  Of course I did.  Did I care?  Of course I didn't.  Well, I suppose I did care, but I suppose I'm also a hopeless romantic (or idiot) and I really thought that love would conquer all and we might just live happily ever after.  Ok, so maybe I am an idiot.  Whatever.  Needless to say we didn't live happily ever after.  She seems perfectly ok with this, but I am heartbroken.  Again.
Ok, I told you that story so I could tell you this story.  Late last week Straight Girl sent me a text message asking what my plans were for Saturday.  I told her that I didn't have any plans.  She then asked me if she could come over and spend the day with me because even though we are no longer dating she really wanted to give me my birthday gifts.  I was ecstatic....because I'm an idiot. 
So anyway, Saturday rolls around and she shows up at my door a little before noon.  Things were going smoothly, she seemed as happy to see me as I was to see her.  Almost immediately she made me open my gifts because she wanted to go to a nearby town to grab some lunch and wander around some of the antique stores and whatnot.  Her gifts were so thoughtful and sweet that I literally cried...and I don't cry often.  We had lunch at this cute little cafe that was adorably perfect.  Walked around downtown, and really just had a fabulous afternoon.  Then we go back to my place.  I was super excited about a movie that she had bought me (one of my childhood favorites that I hadn't seen in years and couldn't find anywhere), and she said she would like to stay and watch it with me.  Great!  So there was cuddling and movie watching.  After the movie she said she should be headed home, so she gathered up her stuff and I walked her outside.
At this point I made an attempt at a goodnight kiss...because I'm an idiot.  This was not well received.  It was promptly stated that we weren't getting back together.  I was confused, I was embarrassed, and I was a little sad.  She left and that left me wondering what the hell had just happened.  We texted back and forth a bit, but I'm still just as confused as ever.  Apparently, she wanted me to have a nice birthday (which was sweet), but in an effort to make that happen she really led me on (not so sweet).  In summary, birthday #32 is really close to the best birthday I've ever had...but it's also really close to being one of the worst.

When I blow out my birthday candles tonight I think I am going to wish that straight women everywhere will refrain from hitting on me....because I am just idiotic enough to try to date them.

Friday, September 25, 2009

I really do know the difference between want and need

Well, I guess I kinda sorta forgot I had a blog there for a little while.  But no worries, life has been rather dull so you haven't missed out on too much. 

OH, I read an article at Gizmodo earlier this week about a potentially freakin' awesome "booklet" computer called the Courier from Microsoft.

                                                    (photo courtesy of Gizmodo)

If this is true and the Courier makes it to production then I seriously want need one.  NEED.  This would be exactly perfect for all of the little projects that I have in mind, but never seem to come to fruition...mostly because I get frustrated and overwhelmed.  Ahh, I can just imagine everything I would accomplish.  I mean, holy grapenuts, this is the answer to my scattered randomness.  I don't want to count my ducklings before they hatch, so please please puh-lease Microsoft don't let me down!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

She flipped me off, I fell in love

So, my drive to work is normally long and boring.  Not so this morning.  I was almost to work, almost there when I encountered one of the most beautiful (and angry) women I think I have ever seen in my entire life.  She obviously found me attractive as well because she REALLY wanted to be in my lane.  It's been quite awhile since my high school physics class and some of the details are a bit fuzzy, but I was under the impression that two objects of relatively equal mass just cannot occupy the same exact same space at the same exact time...stupid me.  [Sorry I didn't pay better attention in class Mrs. F]  Since I'm obviously a little dense, subtle hints such as turn signals really help me out.  Granted, with her perfected manicured nails (well the one I saw when she flipped me off was perfected manicured, I assume the rest were as well) the lever for the turn signal is probably pretty perilous.  *sigh* If only I were psychic I would have known her intention, but I have no supernatural abilities and she was obviously disappointed in me.   When she rolled her window down and proceeded to shout (in quite an angelic voice) a stream of obscenities that would make a sailor blush, I knew she was the one.  Her out of state license plate concerned me, could we really make a long distance relationship work?  Thank goodness we were stopped at a traffic light so this endearing moment could stretch on for a few moments more.  She ended her tirade with, "Where's the southern hospitality you redneck Texan bitch?".  Enchanting, but this was the point in which our passionate romance started to fizzle out. 

Sweetheart, I have the ability to charm the pants right off of you, I have southern hospitality flowing out of my ears.  I could twist you around my little finger so fast it would make your head spin.  But southern hospitality doesn't extend so far as to allow you to drive your car into mine without signaling, I'm almost certain of it.  And darlin' you haven't the slightest clue as to what a redneck is.  I do apologize for not letting you over but honestly I didn't see you, as I tried to tell you while you continued to scream epithets and make obscene finger gestures.

Eventhough we broke-up before the light turned green, I still care about you and your well being.  I know you're someone's daughter or sister or cousin, and there has to be someone at home who loves you and wants you to get to and from your travels safely.  Perhaps starting fights in traffic with random strangers isn't the best way to assure your safe passage. Just a thought.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

That's A Load Off My Mind

Arrest made in Cedar Rapids duck slaying

Associated Press
4:45 p.m. CDT, September 9, 2009

CEDAR RAPIDS, Iowa - An arrest has been made in the slaying of 50 ducks at a children's zoo in Cedar Rapids.
Nineteen-year-old Zachary Kanellis, of Cedar Rapids, was arrested Wednesday and charged with second-degree criminal mischief and livestock abuse.
The charges are related to the June 25, 2008 discovery of 50 ducks found dead at the Bever Park Children's Zoo. Workers arrived at work to find locks on the building and the cages inside had been broken.
Police say the ducks had been stoned to death. Forty-five other ducks were unharmed.
A tip to the Cedar Rapids Crimestoppers program led to the arrest.
The investigation is continuing.

OMG!  Seriously, what is wrong with people?  A teenager stones 50 ducks to death?!?  Thank goodness the little hoodlum was arrested.  I know that I, along with the rest of the duck community, can sleep a little easier now.

I Think I'll Start Watching American Idol Again

So, Paula's out and Ellen's in. Honestly, I'm thrilled, I think Ellen has a lot to bring to the American Idol table. In my opinion she is completely flippin' hilarious...and not in the incoherent batshit crazy way that made Paula funny.

There are a lot of folks out there who feel this is a bad idea. I keep hearing this whining about how she has no musical background and such. Um, neither do I, but they damn sure let me text in my vote every week (or they would if I felt so inclined). I think it'll be refreshing to have someone who isn't in the music industry to have a voice on the show. To paraphrase what Ellen said, "Hopefully, I'm the people's point of view because I'm just like you...I'm not looking at it in a critical way from the producer's mind. I'm looking at it as a person who is going to buy the music and is going to relate to that person.". 

In recent years I have been disappointed with various aspects of Idol, but now I am actually excited for the new season to begin. Best of luck Ellen!

Ducky Out.

Friday, September 4, 2009

You Owe Me....BIG

So here's what happened:  I'm sitting at my desk, minding my own business and just working away when I feel something tickling my leg.  It was a strange sort of feeling, kinda like something was crawling on me.  I scratched absently at my leg and didn't really think much about it.  I'll be honest here, it had been a few days since the last time I had shaved my legs, and I thought there was some possible leg hair/jeans friction going on.  But then I felt it again, a little higher up my leg and this time it definitely felt like something crawling on me.  I had a moment of panic, felt my leg, and YES there was something crawling on my leg...INSIDE MY PANTS!!!  I didn't really have time to consider my options, at that point I was convinced that some posionous psychotic spider was crawling up my leg...and I am truly terrified of spiders.  Once the notion of having a spider in my pants fully formed in my brain, the panic intensified exponentially.  I didn't know what to do.  The only thing that seemed logical to me at that moment was to get the hell OUT of my pants and somehow remove the horrible arachnid of death and destruction.  At this point the hopping around and frantic stripping begins...well, really it was only half stripping.  Anyway, so I'm standing in my cubicle with my jeans around my knees and come face to face not with the dreaded spider of doom, but a harmless little cricket.  He looked just as scared and confused as I felt.

Holy cricket in my pants Batman!  How does this shit happen to me?

Needless to say, after the initial terror and adrenaline drained from my system I felt quite ridiculous and quickly redressed.  Thank goodness my cubicle has high walls.  And for the first time since the recession started, I was actually thankful that some of my former coworkers had been laid off.  In the end I didn't die, wasn't injured, and most importantly nobody witnessed these antics.

Oh, the cricket was released back into the wild.  Eventhough he scared the ever loving hell out of me, I couldn't bring myself to harm him.  You owe me, buddy!

Thursday, September 3, 2009


My roommate/gay husband has decided to take drastic measures and start taking the little blue pill, you know Chantix. He has decided to quit smoking. He also feels that I should quit smoking....crazy boy. I have cut back on my smoking a lot though. I used to average about a pack a day during the week, and probably close to two packs a day on weekends. I now smoke about a pack of cigarettes throughout the week, and usually one more on the weekend. I feel that going from around eight packs a week to two is quite an accomplishment. I'm happy with that. This isn't about me though...our gay hero is not happy with merely cutting back; he is determined to quit smoking completely. That's fine if he wants to be a non-smoker. Who am I to judge? But anyway back to this miracle cure, Chantix. When my precious came home one day and told me about said drug I was like, hmm cool beans. I didn't really know a lot about it, had heard people mention it, but wasn't hip to all the lovely side effects, so I did some reading...

Important Safety Information (taken directly from the Chantix website)

Some people have had changes in behavior, hostility, agitation, depressed mood, suicidal thoughts or actions while using CHANTIX to help them quit smoking. Some people had these symptoms when they began taking CHANTIX, and others developed them after several weeks of treatment or after stopping CHANTIX. If you, your family, or caregiver notice agitation, hostility, depression, or changes in behavior, thinking, or mood that are not typical for you, or you develop suicidal thoughts or actions, anxiety, panic, aggression, anger, mania, abnormal sensations, hallucinations, paranoia, or confusion, stop taking CHANTIX and call your doctor right away. Also tell your doctor about any history of depression or other mental health problems before taking CHANTIX, as these symptoms may worsen while taking CHANTIX.

Some people can have serious skin reactions while taking CHANTIX, some of which can become life-threatening. These can include rash, swelling, redness, and peeling of the skin. Some people can have allergic reactions to CHANTIX, some of which can be life-threatening and include: swelling of the face, mouth, and throat that can cause trouble breathing. If you have these symptoms or have a rash with peeling skin or blisters in your mouth, stop taking CHANTIX and get medical attention right away.

The most common side effects include nausea (30%), sleep problems, constipation, gas, and/or vomiting. If you have side effects that bother you or don’t go away, tell your doctor.

You may have trouble sleeping, vivid, unusual, or strange dreams while taking CHANTIX. Use caution driving or operating machinery until you know how CHANTIX may affect you.

CHANTIX should not be taken with other quit-smoking products. You may need a lower dose of CHANTIX if you have kidney problems or get dialysis.

Before starting CHANTIX, tell your doctor if you are pregnant, plan to become pregnant, or if you take insulin, asthma medicines, or blood thinners. Medicines like these may work differently when you quit smoking.

CHANTIX is a prescription medicine to help adults 18 and over stop smoking. You may benefit from quit-smoking support programs and/or counseling during your quit attempt. It’s possible that you might slip-up and smoke while taking CHANTIX. If you do, you can stay on CHANTIX and keep trying to quit.

Ok, so if you read through all that, then you're probably saying the same thing I did "holyeffingsh*t". It always amuses me to see the side effects all these wonderful new pills they're coming out with. It's like they're saying "what you're doing can kill you, take this pill so you can stop, but please be aware that this pill could kill you". It BAFFLES me.

And on a related note, I saw a Chantix commercial on TV last night that made me laugh (which is the real reason for this blog). The commercial is centered around this soccer mom looking lady that's just sitting on her couch talking about how she used Chantix and how great it is and it helped her to quit smoking, blah blah blah. She tells her little story and at the end she says, "stopping smoking cigarettes is wonderful, the best thing that ever happened, the best thing I have ever done besides my husband, and dogs, and family....” Soooooo, since my mind occasionally (ok, frequently) slips into the gutter, I snickered like a teenage boy and was like "omg did she just say she did her husband, dogs, and family? dirty whore, quitting smoking is the least of your concerns. *giggle giggle*". I know I know I'm a sick twisted sorry excuse for a human. What can I say; I'm amused easily and by strange and possibly inappropriate things.

Now I think I'll go out for a smoke.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Whoa Mama

The Duggar baby making factory is running full steam ahead. I've been reading that Michelle Duggar, mother of 18 and soon to be grandmother, is preggo once again.

To quote Stewie Griffin, "So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?".  My uterus hurts just thinking about giving birth to 19 kids. I mean really, how do you come back from that? I kinda feel the need to say a little prayer for this poor woman's hoohah (this stunning use of medical terminology is one of the many reasons I didn't go to med school).

Some would argue that this event in no way, shape, or form affects my life so my opinion is irrelevant. Ahh, but I feel that when they put their lives on display in the form of a reality television show then I have the right to voice my views. I have actually watched a few episodes of their show...I'm a reality show addict and there was a marathon on TLC, I got sucked in one Saturday. According to what I picked up from the show and everything I've read thus far this family is living completely debt-free (which I find absolutely amazing, kudos for that Duggar family). All of the children were/are home schooled. They are part of a very conservative Christian movement known as Quiverfull, which teaches that children should be received eagerly as blessings from God...and that birth control is a big no-no. Wow, they really took that "be fruitful and multiply" passage literally. Ok, so that's just a really quick, very basic rundown.

Now, how do I personally feel about this?  My logical side would say to each their own. I won't be playing on the Quiverfull softball team anytime soon though, that's for sure. However, I do feel that they have the right to believe how they choose to. That being said I really don't agree with their teachings and the way they live their life. I tend to lean a little more toward the liberal side of things. I don't agree with the way they raise their seems to me the younger children are pawned off on the older ones to take care of.  I don't feel that when you have 19 children you can truly give each child the individual attention they need and deserve...I can't fathom how they could possibly grow up to be well adjusted people.  I have issues with homeschooling in instances where it seems to be a tool to isolate children from society.  The Duggar family also supports several pro-family, pro-marriage (anti-gay) organizations such as Focus on the Family (don't even get me started on Focus on the Family).  So, I guess the Duggar's and I will just have to agree to disagree.  But I do sincerely hope for the health and safety of mom and baby through the pregnancy and birth.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Hugs for Gmail

So there's a Gmail outage today....don't worry Gmail, I still love you.  I have been reading lots of articles from folks who are none too happy with the service though.  Today is the first time I've experienced an outage, and I've been a Gmail user for years.  But, I am still receiving my emails on my BlackBerry, so I haven't been completely cut off from the world like some have.  I don't see why some people are so upset though, I mean stuff breaks, I'm sure they're doing their best to fix it.  I say calm down, chill out, go outside and get some fresh air....or like me, you could go out and smoke a cigarette.  Anyway, what I'm basically saying is give the guys and gals at Google a break, on the whole I think Google and the services they offer are pretty flippin' great (and pretty flippin' free).

just sayin'

Who, What, Why

First, I suppose I should introduce myself...Hi there, I'm R.H. Ducky, pleased to make your acquaintance.  Is my name really R.H. Ducky?  Probably not. 

So, I guess that leads us to a few questions.  Why create a blog, why not use your real name, why call it DuckSoup, what's this blog about...?  The questions really are endless.  I've asked myself these, and many other questions.  Here's what I've come up with so far:

Why create a blog?  Honestly, it wasn't my idea.  I blame my cousin, we'll call her PsychoHoseBeast, she has pushed and prodded and begged and pleaded for me to start a blog.  For some unknown reason she feels that I should share my thoughts with the world.  I personally find this scary, for the world I mean.  But what the heck, I'll give it a shot.

Why not use your real name?  To be frank, that's not my real name either by the way, I like the anonymity.  There are often things that I want to say that I feel obligated to keep to myself out of fear of embarrassing/upsetting/offending my family or friends.  That being said, not every random thought that passes through my brain is embarrassing/upsetting/offensive, but it does happen.

Why call your blog DuckSoup?  I struggled to think of a name for my blog.  I stressed out about it a lot.  I stress out about a lot of things a lot, but that's beside the point.  So anyway, obviously I love duckies and I wanted to somehow incorporate that into the title.  I played around with many different combinations, and finally settled on tacking soup to it.  The name appeals to me, and this is my blog, so there.  Actually, there is a more in depth answer, maybe I'll get around to explaining that one of these days.

What is this blog about?  Excellent question, you'll probably figure that one out before I do.  I do not have a set plan for this blog.  I wanted to have a plan, I tried to come up with a plan, but to no avail.  Then I decided it was just time to take action or I would never get this started.  I'm excellent at procrastination. 

Oh and just a warning, I do sometimes use foul language, though I really am attempting to clean up my potty mouth.  Sometimes I would rather not bother with the shift key, I will probably frequently misuse punctuation marks, most likely will spell things incorrectly, and I'm not always the most grammatically correct human being on the planet.  I am fully aware that I am not the greatest writer but who knows, maybe I do have something worthwhile to say.

So, welcome to my little corner of the blogosphere, I hope you'll come back again soon.